The Missing Stool-Pot Saga (Poetry)

25th June 2017
I handed in three pots of poo
for testing (three small plastic pots).
It was a tricky thing to do —
awkward and unpleasant, too —
collecting samples while one squats —
three labelled, named and dated lots.

All three inside a paper bag
delivered promptly. So I thought
they’d gone off to whatever lab
examines poo and then reports
irregularities of sorts
for diagnosis — a vague stab

at finding something to explain
the cause of my ongoing grief...
I waited, patient — no news came...
And now it must be done again
because ( this beggars all belief)
they've lost the pots! — As though some thief

has pinched those dinky pots of poo —
for some perverted purpose nicked
all three. I curse the arsehole who
espied the trio passing through.
Of all the pots they might have picked —
why mine? The test remains unticked

until I offer three fresh pots
with no apparent guarantee
they will survive intact — so what’s
the point? My confidence is shot —
it’s clear there’s no security
and poo’s a rare commodity

that’s smuggled slyly out the door
clandestinely... It must be true
there’s a demand for potted poo
throughout the country more and more
is disappearing by the score —
all destined for Tate Modern’s loo

like trophies — works of anal art
arranged on shelves in careful rows
impossible to tell apart
except for labels lined up smart
each boring brown exhibit shows
some differences the expert knows

to be symbolic — like as not
some ancient excremental code
my poo the key —the missing pot —
to crack it and translate the lot.
I wish I’d known just what it showed —
my DNA-full vanished lode!

But I’ve been robbed — and I’m quite sure
that someone’s got to have a clue —
How can they 'lose' three pots of poo
and then request I fill some more
— no questions asked? What bull manure!
I smell a rat (a rabbit, too).

I might put droppings in each pot —
and hand them in with a bright smile —
our bunny would oblige — he’s got
a big collection so it’s not
as though he’d miss them, and meanwhile
his poo results could go on file...